Introduction

• Psalms 119:105
• James 3:2

Use a bunch of positive words.

• Job 13:4-5; 19:1-3; 2:9 – Job’s friends and wife.
• Proverbs 18:21 – Words can do a log of good or a lot of bad.
• Proverbs 21:19 – “a nagging and hot-tempered wife”
• Colossians 3:19 – a better and harsh husband
• One the positive side, think about how husbands and wives fulfill the verses in Ephesians 5:28-29, 33 and I Peter 3:7.
• Proverbs 12:25 – Say positive things to your spouse.
• Use those little words that mean so much.
  • “I’m sorry” – Luke 15:21
  • “I forgive you” – Matthew 6:14-15
  • “Please” – Acts 26:3; Nehemiah 5:10-11
  • “Thank you” – Luke 17:16
  • “Good job” – Proverbs 31:28-29
  • “I love you” – Song of Solomon 1:7

Plan your words carefully and soften your start-up.

• Proverbs 15:1-2
• Ephesians 4:15, 29 – Speak in love, for edification.
• Proverbs 12:18 – “There is one who speaks rashly like the thrusts of a sword, but the tonque of the wise brings healing.”

De-escalate (and respond when your spouse is trying to de-escalate).

• James 1:19 – “quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger”
• Ephesians 4:31-32; Colossians 3:8-9, 12-13 – As Christians, we can’t continue to communicate in the same old ugly ways as the past. We are new people, growing and maturing in our attitudes and words.
• “Four horsemen of the apocalypse” – From The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
  • Horseman 1: Criticism
  • Horseman 2: Contempt
  • Horseman 3: Defensiveness
  • Horseman 4: Stonewalling
• “Demon dialogues” – Dr. Sue Johnson, Created for Connection
  • Find the bad guy
  • Protest polka
  • Freeze and flee

Learn how to learn and compromise with perpetual differences

• Acts 3:19 – If we’re guilty of any sin, that needs to change.
• Ephesians 5; I Peter 3 – love, sacrifice, nourish, cherish, respect, honor, understanding
• I Corinthians 13:4-7 – Love!

Speak with clarity

• Genesis 11:1, 7-9
  • There are a lot of ways God could have stopped that project. But messing up their ability to communicate was the method He chose, and it put an immediate end to their work.
  • Imagine and husband and wife who aren’t able to communicate clearly. How will they share their lives together?
• I Corinthians 14:8, 19 – If your communication is not clear, what’s the point?
• Titus 2:4 – Who are they supposed to love? THEIR husbands.
• Ephesians 5:28 – Love who? THEIR wives.

Introduction

• Jeremiah 2:13
• Psalms 16:7-11

Give up on counterfeit happiness.

• Ecclesiastes 2:1-11
• Barna OmniPoll, August 2015:
  • 86% of US adults believe that “To be fulfilled in life, you should pursue the things you desire most.”
  • 84% believe “The highest goal of life is to enjoy it as much as possible.”
• The Happiness Project
  • “living the life that’s right for you …”
• “When Alexander saw the breadth of his domain, he wept for there were no more worlds to conquer.”

Find joy in serving the Lord.

• Psalms 1:1-2
• Psalms 2:12
• Psalms 32:1-2
• Psalms 34:8
• Psalms 40:4
• Psalms 84:4
• Those who are happy in the Lord are happy because they are living in the Lord.
• I Corinthians 15:58
• One kind of work is never useless: serving God.
• Philippians 3:1; 4:4
• Lamentations 1:8
• Jeremiah 9:23-24
• Matthew 22:37
• Luke 9:23

Put negative things in perspective.

• Philippians 1:12-18 – Paul saw the positive in his imprisonment – the gospel was spreading more!
• Philippians 3:7-8, 18-21
• Philippians 4:11-12 – Paul learned to be content in Christ.
• A Christian always has reason to rejoice.
• True happiness is only in the Lord.

Luke 7

• Luke 7:48 – Who is this?
• Luke 7:6-7 – The centurion was a man with authority, yet he showed great humility.
• Luke 7:9-10 – Jesus’ power was so great that he didn’t even need to see the sick servant or do anything physically obvious to heal the man.
• Luke 7:14 – Jesus was more concerned about helping and having compassion on the widow than on the possibility of ceremonial uncleanness. (Of course, Jesus was not unclean after touching the coffin because the man wasn’t dead!)
  • Compare Elijah raising the woman’s son in I Kings 17:23-24.
• Luke 7:16 – The response from the people included nothing about blasphemy or some kind of trick here. The people were both in awe and fearful of what they’d seen.
• Luke 7:19-20 – Did this question come from Jesus looking different than the Jews expected (i.e., not a political leader)? It is possible that this question came not from John doubting Jesus but from John trying to prove Jesus’ identity to his disciples by sending them to talk to Jesus directly.
• Luke 7:28 – This was a tremendous compliment to John! Under the New Covenant, even the least would be greater than John!
• Luke 7:47 – Jesus came to help the people that need forgiveness the most.

Introduction

• Acts 26:9-11 – Paul was sincere, but he was wrong.
• A journalist in New York City in the 1800s made up stories about an astronomer who saw all sorts of men and animals on the moon. He was successful in fooling many people before he was found out.

People become sincerely wrong by following false standards of authority.

Conscience

• Proverbs 14:12
• Galatians 5:20
• Acts 23:1
• I Corinthians 4:3

The wisdom of people

• I Corinthians 2:4-5; 1:20 – God makes foolish the wisdom of this world.
• Jeremiah 10:23

The majority

• Matthew 7:13-14 – The majority are likely to be wrong!
• II Peter 3:9

Family tradition

• 68% of people practice the same religion (or nearly so) that they did growing up.
• Matthew 10:37
• Galatians 1:13-14

People become sincerely right because of the Bible!

• Galatians 1:11-12, 1
• John 8:32 – The truth will make you free!
• The Bible seems to be the most sold, least read book in the world.
• I Timothy 4:1-7
• James 3:15
• I Timothy 6:3

First, I must WANT to listen.

• Proverbs 2:1-2 – “attentive … incline your heart”
• Matthew 13:15 – “with their ears they scarcely hear”
• Luke 8:15 – “heard the word in an honest and good heart”
• John 10:20 – “Why do you listen to Him?”
• It starts with the right heart.
• Listening does not mean you agree. But we must be courteous enough to listen.
• Things that prevent good listening.
  • Differing interests
  • Different personalities

Slow down to avoid “flooding.”

• James 1:19-20
• The “flooding” response in men is more reactive and slower to recover than in women. Men are more easily overwhelmed by marital conflict.
• Ecclesiastes 3:7 – “A time to be silent and a time to speak.”
• Showing down and controlling anger: Proverbs 15:28; 14:29; 16:32; 17:27; 19:11; 29:11
• Psalms 4:4 – In other words, “sleep on it.”
• Withdrawal – pursuit
  • Plan a time to talk

Focus on listening before figuring out your response.

• Proverbs 18:13 – “He who gives an answer before he hears, it is folly and shame to him.”
• Proverbs 17:14 – “The beginning of strife is like letting out water, so abandon the quarrel before it breaks out.”
• Proverbs 20:3 – “Keeping away from strife is an honor for a man, but any fool will quarrel.”
• Luke 2:46-47 – Jesus listening an asking questions.

The Speaker Listener technique

• From the book Fighting for your Marriage
• (This is a great way to apply James 1:19.)
• One person is the Speaker and the other is the Listener.
• Rules for both of you:
  • The Speaker has the floor.
  • Share the floor.
  • No problem-solving.
• Rules for the Speaker:
  • Speak for yourself. Don’t mind read.
  • Don’t go on and on.
  • Stop and let the Listener paraphrase.
• Rules for the Listener:
  • Paraphrase what you hear.
  • Don’t rebut. Focus on the Speaker’s message.