First, I must WANT to listen.

• Proverbs 2:1-2 – “attentive … incline your heart”
• Matthew 13:15 – “with their ears they scarcely hear”
• Luke 8:15 – “heard the word in an honest and good heart”
• John 10:20 – “Why do you listen to Him?”
• It starts with the right heart.
• Listening does not mean you agree. But we must be courteous enough to listen.
• Things that prevent good listening.
  • Differing interests
  • Different personalities

Slow down to avoid “flooding.”

• James 1:19-20
• The “flooding” response in men is more reactive and slower to recover than in women. Men are more easily overwhelmed by marital conflict.
• Ecclesiastes 3:7 – “A time to be silent and a time to speak.”
• Showing down and controlling anger: Proverbs 15:28; 14:29; 16:32; 17:27; 19:11; 29:11
• Psalms 4:4 – In other words, “sleep on it.”
• Withdrawal – pursuit
  • Plan a time to talk

Focus on listening before figuring out your response.

• Proverbs 18:13 – “He who gives an answer before he hears, it is folly and shame to him.”
• Proverbs 17:14 – “The beginning of strife is like letting out water, so abandon the quarrel before it breaks out.”
• Proverbs 20:3 – “Keeping away from strife is an honor for a man, but any fool will quarrel.”
• Luke 2:46-47 – Jesus listening an asking questions.

The Speaker Listener technique

• From the book Fighting for your Marriage
• (This is a great way to apply James 1:19.)
• One person is the Speaker and the other is the Listener.
• Rules for both of you:
  • The Speaker has the floor.
  • Share the floor.
  • No problem-solving.
• Rules for the Speaker:
  • Speak for yourself. Don’t mind read.
  • Don’t go on and on.
  • Stop and let the Listener paraphrase.
• Rules for the Listener:
  • Paraphrase what you hear.
  • Don’t rebut. Focus on the Speaker’s message.